Are You Off Your Rocker?
by Devonny Rose
Summary: ON-SEMI-HOLD Fred and George Weasley wanted to create havoc at Hogwarts, even though they already left. Four innocent students want cash, thrills, and vengeance. What do you get when you add them together? This fic.
1. Prolouge The Bet

TITLE: "Are you off your rocker?!?"  
  
AUTHOR: Devonny Rose  
  
SUMMARY: Fred and George Weasley wanted to create havoc at Hogwarts, even though they already left. Four innocent students want cash, thrills, and vengeance. What do you get when you add them together? This fic.  
  
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter. At all. I can wish I that I do, but it probably won't happen. Unless, J.K. Rowling is a distant relative of mine and she leaves them to me. I should find out about that....  
  
Also, I'm not sure who the 'list' (you'll understand after this chapter) originally belongs to, so I can't give them credit. If anyone knows, please tell me. Some of it belongs to me, but most doesn't.  
  
A/N: I found the 'list' on several different websites, so I decided to write a fic off it. I needed a break from the seriousness my other fics are going into. But that doesn't mean I'm stopping the others!  
  
Prologue: The Bet  
  
"Thanks for helping us out, Harry," Fred said as he turned the sign on the front door of Weasley Wizard Wheezes over to open.  
  
"No problem," Harry replied. He fell into chair behind the counter and took out a roll of parchment.  
  
Harry had flued (it had taken the Dursleys multiple threats from the Twins to allow him to do that) into Diagon Alley, volunteering to help catalog and stock the joke shop before it opened that day.  
  
"Whatcha got there?" George asked, peering over Harry's shoulder. "Ways to annoy Snape?" he read.  
  
"I told you I was bored," Harry said, indicating the reason he was in the WWW in the first place: Voldemort had been suspiciously quiet since his appearance at the Ministry and Harry wanted to be anywhere, but the Dursleys, and thinking of anything, but the past year.  
  
"Scatter rose-petals in front of him wherever he goes? Sneak up behind him and shout 'Your robes are on fire!'? Hug him and say you were on strict instructions from Dumbledore to do it? Harry, I never knew you could have such a devious mind!"  
  
Harry was saved from answering by several customers entering. He looked up and found himself facing Dean, Seamus, and Lavender (all sixth-year Gryffindors like himself).  
  
"Hiya, Harry," Lavender exclaimed. She had really grown-up over her fifth year - and not in a bad way, at least in Harry's opinion. She seemed to have calmed down a bit, no longer constantly giggling, and cut down on the make-up. "I thought I saw you come in here this morning."  
  
"Hello, guys," Harry greeted. "How's your summer going?"  
  
"Great! I'll be sad to see it end. But this school year has got to be better than the last," said Dean.  
  
Seamus nodded. "But, you're forgetting that Hogwarts won't be nearly so entertaining, what with these two gone."  
  
Fred eyed them thoughtfully. "It doesn't have to be that way."  
  
"Why?" asked Harry, warily.  
  
"We can't let that delightful list of yours go to waste."  
  
"How many ways do you have on there?" asked George.  
  
"About 300," said Harry.  
  
"If you four do everything on that list to Snape by the end of the year we will give you....." He shot a questioning glance at his brother.  
  
"A hundred Galleons!" Fred proclaimed.  
  
"I don't know - " Seamus began, glancing at what the list said.  
  
"Each."  
  
"I'm in!" 'You know what I could buy with a hundred galleons!" he thought happily.  
  
Harry agreed quite readily, too. Even though he knew he was being irrational, he still partially blamed Snape for Sirius going to the Department of Mysteries. Revenge would be sweet.  
  
Lavender jumped on board also. She was sick of everyone assuming she was just a ditz. "We're gonna have some fun this year."  
  
Everyone looked at Dean. "Do you even need to ask?"  
  
And, thus, a Hogwarts' Legend was born. 


	2. September Part 1

A/N: Thanks to KAD, my first and only reviewer.  
  
CH1: September - part 1  
  
Sunday, September 1st, 1996  
  
Harry, Dean, Seamus, and Lavender were going over the details of their plan on the Hogwarts Express. Ron and Hermione were in the Prefects compartment or off snogging somewhere (something they have been doing quite a bit since they became a couple over the summer). It was a good thing, too - couldn't have somebody getting suspicious of there actions this early in the year.  
  
Harry was scribbling madly on a parchment. "Okay, does everyone know what they have to do?" Each member had a list of things they'd have to complete by the end of the month.  
  
Lavender nodded. "Yeah. I'm trying to accustom myself to the very grossness of the coming year."  
  
"You have to do it, Lav," Seamus pointed out. "It would seem weird coming from any of us. Besides, you have to do it for the good of the cause. For the money."  
  
"To see if Snape can actually blush," Harry added.  
  
"Do it for the puppies, Lavender," exclaimed Dean. Everyone looked at him. "There may be puppies rooting for us. Somewhere."  
  
"I know, I know." She sighed. "I'm ready."  
  
"Good," said Harry. "We start tonight."  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
"And now, we eat!" Dumbledore sat down and the feast began.  
  
"So, Lavender," Parvati asked her best friend. "How was your summer?"  
  
"Great," Lavender answered. "And I realized something."  
  
"What? Ooooh! Does it have anything to do with a guy?"  
  
"Yes." She pretended to blush.  
  
"Who is he? Do I know him? Is he in our year? Our house?"  
  
"Well, we've known him the whole time we've been in school, but he's not in our year or house."  
  
"Oh, an older guy. Who?"  
  
Lavender took a deep breath and proclaimed loudly, "I am in love with Severus Snape!"  
  
The whole hall went quiet and everyone turned to look at her. At the High Table, Snape appeared to be choking on something. Lavender grinned. 'Bingo.'  
  
**************************************************************************** *  
  
Fall completely, head-over-heels in love with him. Let everybody know about it - Check.  
  
**************************************************************************** *  
  
Monday, September 2nd, 1996  
  
The rumors that Lavender Brown had developed a serious infatuation with the greasy Head of Slytherin House made rounds in gossip at record speed. At first, there were a few sceptics that said this was all a big hoax, but their numbers diminished when the Professor arrived at breakfast the next morning, glowering at the Lavender scattering rose petals in front of him.  
  
**************************************************************************** *  
  
Scatter rose-petals in front of him wherever he goes - Check.  
  
**************************************************************************** *  
  
Severus Snape was not having a good day. Following the Welcoming Feast, he went into a deep period of denial. He had even managed to convince himself that Brown's declaration of love had been the work of a miscalculated charm or hex or something and it would go away. That is, until he left his chambers and found her sprinkling......flower petals......at him.  
  
"Hello, Severus," McGonagall greeted. "I see your having an interesting morning." Snape growled and sat down.  
  
"Um, excuse me?" The potions professor look up. Tiny first-year eyes peered back.  
  
"What?" demanded Snape. The student took a step back.  
  
Um, I just wanted to...er....know....."  
  
"Hurry up!"  
  
"TherewasthisboyandhetoldusastoryaboutyouinadressandIwantedtoknowifitwastrue ."  
  
"WHAT?!?"  
  
"He said that when he was younger, they did a class and some kid named Neville made a image of you appear in dress. We all wanted to know if it was true, so I said I'd ask you."  
  
"Who - told - you - that?"  
  
"Him." He pointed at the Gryffindor table."  
  
"FINNIGAN!!!"  
  
****************************************************************************  
  
Tell loud stories about Neville Longbottom's boggart - Check.  
  
****************************************************************************  
  
Snape began stalking towards his newest victim ('he told people that story!?! I'll kill him!'), but was cut off by the arrival of the mail. A snowy white owl he recognized as Potter's swooped down and dropped a thick packet of parchment on his head."  
  
"What the - " Snape peered at the letter. "Potter! What is this?"  
  
"What's what, Buzz?" Harry asked calmly.  
  
"This - " He paused. "What did you just say?"  
  
"I said 'What's what, Professor?'"  
  
"I thought...never mind. What is this?" He read the top of the paper. "'How I spent my summer vacation?'"  
  
Harry shrugged. "I figured you might be interested."  
  
"Why? Huh? Urg!" Snape gave up and stomped out of the Hall.  
  
Harry returned the smirk Seamus was giving him.  
  
****************************************************************************  
  
Owl him long and detailed accounts of your summer holidays - Check.  
  
Accidentally call him 'Buzz' every now and again, for no good reason - Check.  
  
****************************************************************************  
  
Seamus, Lavender, Dean, Harry, and, surprisingly, Neville all got an 'Exceeds Expectations' on their O.W.L.s putting them one class down from the N.E.W.T. class Snape spoke so highly of. And this served the purposes of the ferocious four wonderfully.  
  
Snape stood at the front of the class, eyeing the Gryffindors warily, and began to take attendance.  
  
"Boot?"  
  
"Here."  
  
"Brocklehurst?"  
  
"Present."  
  
"Brown?"  
  
"Of course," she replied dreamily.  
  
"Finnigan?"  
  
Mmmmhmmm."  
  
"Finch-Fletchley?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Longbottom?"  
  
"Ye-ye-s."  
  
"Potter?"  
  
"Yes, Severus."  
  
"T - What did you just call me?"  
  
"Professor."  
  
"I - never mind. Thomas?"  
  
"Eeep."  
  
"Excuse me?" Snape glanced at Dean over the list.  
  
"Nothing, Professor."  
  
Snape sighed. "Turpin?"  
  
"Here, sir."  
  
"Copy the ingredients on the board. Now!"  
  
***************************************************************************  
  
Call him Severus - Check.  
  
Squeak softly every time he says your name during roll-call - Check.  
  
***************************************************************************  
  
The class took out their parchment and ink and quills, then set to work. All but one.  
  
"And, using the knowledge and greatness that comes from being I, Gilderoy Lockhart, I tracked down and cornered the - ," Seamus read aloud in a fake deep voice.  
  
"Finnigan, what do you think you are doing?" Snape spat.  
  
"I thought the class could use some livening up. I know how much you love Lockh - "  
  
"10 points from Gryffindor for the disruption. Give me that." He ripped the book out of Seamus's hand. "And what are you looking at?" Dean put his hands over his eyes as Snape stalked up to him.  
  
"Why aren't you working?"  
  
"Peek-a-boo!" He shouted and the Professor jumped back.  
  
"What the - 10 more points from - !"  
  
"Wow," Harry mumbled. "The Lord and Master of All Things Slimy has his panties in a twist today."  
  
"Get out!" Snape screamed. "All three of you! Just go!"  
  
Lavender sighed. "I love a man who takes charge."  
  
**************************************************************************** ***  
  
Read aloud from 'Magical me.' Do this every day in class until you finish the book, the year is over, or you are expelled. Whichever comes first - Check.  
  
Hide your face with your hands in class. When he approaches remove them and shout 'Peek-a-boo! - Check.  
  
Refer to him as 'Lord and Master of All Things Slimy' - Check.  
  
**************************************************************************** ***  
  
Tuesday, September 3rd, 1996  
  
The strange Annoy-the-Hell-Out-of-Snape disease that several of the students seemed to have picked up did not improve as time went on. If anything it got worse.  
  
It started when Seamus Finnigan calmly strode up to the High Table during breakfast and proceeded to wack the Potions teacher over the head with, what looked like, a rolled-up newspaper.  
  
**************************************************************************** ****  
  
Walk up to him every Tuesday. Hit him repeatedly with a rolled up copy of 'The Daily Prophet' - Check.  
  
**************************************************************************** ***  
  
Snape stomped angrily to his first class - Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw fourth years - robes billowing behind him. It was a very imposing sight indeed. Which didn't fit with the fact people were laughing at him.  
  
'What is going on?' He spun around only to find a very still Dean Thomas smiling out the window. He continued on, pretending not to notice the pointing. Thomas was now tying his shoe. Growling, he stormed into his classroom and slammed the door.  
  
**************************************************************************** ****  
  
Follow him closely through the hallways. Imitate his stern look and determined walk. If he turns around, stand still or smile sweetly - Check.  
  
**************************************************************************** ***  
  
Snape entered the classroom to find his class crowded around something on his desk. Dreading what was to come, he pushed his way through the throng.  
  
"What has captured your attention so much?" He paused when he saw the creature.  
  
"CHUCKLES?!?" he yelled, admist muffled giggles from the students.  
  
**************************************************************************** ****  
  
Leave a well-worn and sickeningly cute teddy-bear where it can be easily seen by staff and students. Ensure it has a tag, written in a child's hand, stating that he 'belongs to Severus' and is called 'Chuckles' - Check.  
  
**************************************************************************** ****  
  
Friday, September 6th, 1996  
  
"Your being paranoid, Severus," McGonagall stated calmly. "No one is out to get you."  
  
"Shows how much you know."  
  
"A few harmless pranks at the beginning of the year is nothing to panic about. Happens to the best of us. Anyway, they seem have stopped."  
  
"They are just trying to lull me into a false sense of security," Snape said, eyeing the Hall suspiciously. "They are out waiting till I'm unprepared. Then, they'll pounce."  
  
"Mark my words," she said as Snape got up to leave. "This has already blown over."  
  
It wasn't until Snape turned to the door did she clap a hand over her mouth.  
  
"Actually," said the Transfiguration Professor between snickers. "I may have to retract my previous statement."  
  
**************************************************************************** *  
  
Learn a charm that gives it's unsuspecting victim a large, fluffy, white rabbit's tail. For a week. Put it to good use - Check.  
  
****************************************************************************  
  
Saturday, September 7th, 1996  
  
The next day, Snape's legendary billowing black robes were made to match his tail.  
  
****************************************************************************  
  
Learn a charm that makes fabric turn day-glow pink. You know what to do next - Check.  
  
***************************************************************************  
  
That's not to say his face didn't match as well. Apparently, it is possible for Snape to blush and a permanent one was painted on.  
  
And a valentine in the same hue was delivered at breakfast.  
  
A valentine in September.  
  
A valentine from 'An Admirer' that listed things that are not suitable for children's ears.  
  
Snape promptly set fire to the offending letter and started to make another hasty retreat from the Great Hall when a nearby conversation reached his ears.  
  
"Can I borrow Snapie for a letter?"  
  
He whipped around and found the speaker to be Potter, another infuriating fact.  
  
"What?"  
  
Harry looked up. "Oh, hi Professor. I was just asking Seamus to borrow his new owl." He looked amused. "And speaking of owls, I saw what you received this morning. I didn't think he would have the guts to do it."  
  
"It's none of your busi - ," Snape's ears caught up with his mouth. "You know who sent it?"  
  
"Of course. I walked in on him in the owlery. He couldn't get up his nerve then, I figured he'd never send it." Harry sighed. "Looks like Malfoy thinks of you a bit more than he should." He and Seamus stood up. "Well, we've got Herbology. Hope we helped with your problems, Spot." And with that, the two Gryffindors left.  
  
Snape continued on his way, only to stop abruptly again. "Spot?"  
  
**************************************************************************** ***  
  
Send him Valentines in September - Check.  
  
To avoid suspicion and create more annoyance, give vague hints in these Valentines that they are from a certain blonde Slytherin - Check.  
  
Get an owl. Name it after him - Check.  
  
Call him by a different name every time you see him. 'Tinkerbell' 'Spot' and 'Twinkle-Toes' should go down well - Check.  
  
**************************************************************************** **  
  
Sunday, September 8th, 1996  
  
"Albus, I must talk with you." The minister strode into the Great Hall of Hogwarts, attracting the attention of everyone present.  
  
"Of course, Cornelius," Dumbledore said as he stood up. "What about?"  
  
"I've been receiving letters about a member of your faculty and I'm not sure why."  
  
"Oh? About what?"  
  
"Everything." He flipped through a stack of papers he had in his hand. "It details their everyday activities from when he gets up to what he eats for meals."  
  
"That is unusual," the Headmaster replied, an amused twinkle in his eye. "Who are these reports about?"  
  
"Mr. Severus Snape."  
  
At that moment, said teacher came into the Hall, ranting and raving.  
  
"Albus! You need to do something about your pupils! They are menaces! They contaminated my chambers!"  
  
"That's not all they've done," Professor Sprout mumbled.  
  
"What now!?!" Snape stopped his tangent. "Minister? Why are you here?"  
  
"The 'menaces' have branched out."  
  
**************************************************************************** *****  
  
Send anonymous weekly reports about him to the Minister of Magic. Double reward - it'll annoy the minister, too - Check.  
  
Replace all Slytherin insignia in his quarters with that of Hufflepuff - Check. 


	3. September Part 2

To all of my reviewers:  
  
I really, really do like writing this story, but I have to put in on hold. I have way to many things to do (homework, drama club, more homework, these stories, and I'm thinking about taking up fencing). I need to discontinue one of my stories for the time being and this one pulled the short straw, so to speak.  
  
Eventually, this story will be finished. I just need some time.  
  
I hope you don't all give up on it,  
  
Devonny Rose  
  
A/N: Sorry for the wait everyone! I've been having problems with my computer - it deleted everything I already had typed for this chapter! I wanted to get a new chapter up as soon as I could so I'm just putting up what I already have. Hopefully I won't have anymore problems and the next part will be up soon.  
  
Thanks to Aensland; IanB; Tiffany; TatraMegami: The lists is found on almost all HP sites, but I think there is a copy on FF.net under '345 ways to annoy Severus Snape.'; and Coolcatjeny.  
  
September - part 2  
  
Monday, September 9, 1996  
  
Snape's mood had not improved by the next Gryffindor potions class. The fact that the Minister himself had suggested that they assign a detail of Aurors to protect him from the harrassers had not gone over well. He did NOT need to be protected from his own students. He was the teacher! The scary potions master that gave people nightmares! First years cowered under his menacing stare! What could a few harmless children do to him, the Great Severus Snape?  
  
Speaking of famous last words...........  
  
Harry watched carefully as Snape stalked into the classroom, then stole a peak over at Lavender. She winked at him. The stage was hers now.  
  
Lavender reached under her desk for the plate.  
  
"Now - " Snape started then sighed. "Miss Brown, what is that you are....'chomping' on?"  
  
"Chocolate cake." She smile sweetly. "Wanna lick?"  
  
"No, thank you. As I was saying, I hope we will not have anymore incidents like last week - "  
  
"Finnigan, what do you think you are doing?"  
  
"Miss Brown?"  
  
"I thought the class could use some livening up. I know how much you love Lockh - " Seamus called from his side of the class.  
  
"10 points from Gryffindor for the disruption. Give me that." Lavender mimed pulling a book away from an invisible person in front of her. "And what are you looking at? Why aren't you working?"  
  
"Peek-a-boo!" Dean shouted.  
  
"What the - 10 more points from - !"  
  
"Wow," Harry mumbled. "The Lord and Master of All Things Slimy has his panties in a twist today."  
  
"Get out!" Lavender screamed. "All three of you! Just go!"  
  
Snape made a noise of frustration in the back of his throat. "We don't need reminding of what happened last week. It's in the past. Forget about it." He turned to the board. "This week we will be studying Restorative Potions. The recipe for a simple Strengthening Draught is on the board. Get to work. And don't forget to add the beetle antennas."  
  
"He's right you know!" exclaimed Lavender. She had 'The Complete List of Medical Potions and their Components' open in front of her. "It says here that if you don't add - "  
  
Snape loudly cut her off. "You know what." He scribbled something down furiously. "Take this note to Madame Pomfrey. I'm sure she can help you."  
  
"Alright!" She bounded over, taking the note (and brushing Snape's hand a bit more than necessary) and headed towards the door. But before she left, she had one last question.  
  
"Professor? What's your middle name, darling?"  
  
**************************************************************************  
  
Eat chocolate cake in class. Offer to let him lick the plate clean - Check.  
  
Quote things he said last lesson. Word for word - Check.  
  
Bring large piles of books to class, and verify anything he states. Loudly. (IE: 'He's right you know! or 'He's done it again!') - Check.  
  
Ask him what his middle name is - Check.  
  
*************************************************************************  
  
"I think Sevvie is trying to fight us. I had to pull out the big wand on that last one," said Lavender. The group was sitting in a shadowy corner of the Gryffindor Common Room, discussing the progress of 'the Plan'.  
  
"Yeah, but it work," Dean pointed out. "Did you see the dent in the wall he made?"  
  
"How was I to know his middle name is Sydney?"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Wednsday, September 11, 1996  
  
"What is this?" Snape asked as he reached the High Table. There was a box wrapped in bright orange paper where he usually sat. And there were suspicious looking air holes.  
  
"Don't know," replied McGonagall. "It's been there all morning. Addressed to you, though."  
  
Snape approached the package carefully and opened it.  
  
"Awww, that's so sweet," McGonagall gushed very, well, un-McGonagall-like. "And it even has a little collar." She glanced at the purple ban with a name stitched on it around the animals neck and looked back up at the Head of Slytherin House. "Is there something you want to tell me, Severus?"  
  
***************************************************************************  
  
Present him with a pet baby bunny. Name it Minerva - Check.  
  
*************************************************************************** 


	4. September Part 3

**A/N: Technically, this story is still on-hold. But, I was sick today and felt like updating it. It is not on the top of my "To Update" list, so I can't promise when it will be updated again. I'm working on it, though.**

__

_**September – Part Three**_

September 17, 1996

Amelia Alder hit the trick step in the third floor staircase and fell over with a thud. Her book bad slid from her shoulder, spilling its contents everywhere.

"Oh, no!" she cried out, trying to yank her leg from between the planks of the step. "Not again!" She had only been at Hogwarts for two and a half weeks, and it was already the twenty fourth time she had been caught in this very stair. "Oh, Merlin, I'm going to be late for Transfiguration again!" she moaned and yelled out for help. "Please, is there anyone who can hear me? Hey, you there!"

From around the corner of the hallway, Amelia could hear the distinct rustling of robes. Someone was lurking just around the bend. But why weren't they coming out to save her?

Suddenly, a very familiar forehead and eyes peeked out from the hiding place, before whipping back in again at the sight of her.

Amelia was puzzled. "Professor," she called out hesitantly. "Professor, are you alright?"

Whoosh!

Severus Snape, robes billowing through the air behind him, leapt across the hallway and scurried to disappear behind the wall on the other side.

Amelia stared in shock. "What the – "

* * *

Snape pealed down the corridor, ducking behind suits of armor and into nooks to the great amusement of the student population. He ignored them all. Thinking back to the small first year trapped in the staircase, he felt a pang of sympathy –

_No,_ he thought viciously. _They don't deserve my sympathy. None of them do. It was probably a trap. Yes, yes, a trap!_ He laughed hysterically and abruptly checked behind him for pursuers. _That's it exactly! They want to lure me into security like before … _He shuddered as he recalled this morning's breakfast.

He was innocently strolling into the Great Hall for his morning meal when …

"_Oi, Professor Twinkle-Toes!" called a voice behind him. Snape spun around._

"_What was that, Potter?" he bit out ferociously. _

"_I said, 'Wait up, Professor Snape'," Harry said sweetly._

"_Do you really expect me to believe – " But before he could finish, Potter did the most horrible, the most sickening, the most life-scarring things that could ever occur._

_

* * *

_

Hug him and say you were on strict instructions from Dumbledore to do it – Check.

* * *

A great convulsion overtook Snape's body and he shook uncontrollably, vomiting into the helmet of a near by knight.

"Ewwww ..." the suit shuddered and crumpled to the floor.

Snape wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. _Control yourself, Severus. You promised that you would never think of that again._

He slowly, but surely, made his way down to the scene of the crime. Sighing, he pushed open the heavy oak doors. It seemed as if he had lost his meddlesome shadows.

"Snapie-Kins!"

Snape drastically lost the little color left in his face. Lavender Brown was practically skipping up to him.

"What do you want, Miss Brown?" he managed, grinding his teeth together.

She fluttered her eyelashes. "Nothing, honey-buns. Just wanted to make sure you were alright. You ran out of here so quickly this morning …"

"I'm fin – " A dark black splotch on the girls arm caught his attention. "What is that?"

"It's nothing." She swiftly reached for her robe sleeve to conceal the offending mark, but the Professor grabbed her arm and yanked it towards his face.

He took a deep breath. "Why does it say – Sevvie – on your arm?"

Lavender took a step back. "This – this – has absolutely nothing to do with you!" she blurted and dashed out of the hall.

* * *

Draw on a fake tattoo. One that says 'Sevvie.' Insist it has nothing to do with him. – Check

* * *

Snape watched in amazement as Brown scampered away from him, instead of the other way around. Thanking Merlin for a break from the madness, he headed up to the head table for a nice relaxing lunch.

"You should go after her," advised a silly, high-pitched voice over his left shoulder. "She looked really upset."

Snape turned his head to catch the speaker, only to find no one there. A deeper, more masculine voice came from the other side.

"No, let her suffer! Why waste your time running after a silly, sappy Gryffindor?"

With a menacing growl, Snape twisted around to find Dean Thomas standing behind him, looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

"Can – I – help – you?" he said in a deathly cold voice.

"Er …" Thomas sputtered out. "Just thought you should know that … well, you know what tonight is right? I just want you to be careful, okay?" Thomas raced out of the room, wanting to be far away from Snape when the meaning of this message sunk in.

A furious scream told him that retreating had been a good idea.

* * *

Become his 'Good-Snape' and 'Bad-Snape'. (I.e. poke your head over his shoulder and advise him according to which Snape you are. Then switch shoulders and say the opposite. Use a silly voice.) – Check.

Be sure to let him know when there's a full moon coming. – Check.

* * *

September 21, 1996

Snape walked, trembling slightly, up from the dungeons where he had locked himself days ago. The terrors hadn't found him there, but there was only so long a person could stand to be holed up in an underground room with no windows.

_Maybe they've given up,_ he thought reasonably, assuring himself. _Maybe they've moved on to some other scheme of theirs. _Feeling safe with these thoughts, Snape entered the Hall, a spring in his step.

And met a feminine copy of himself.

"Oh my …" Snape stopped dead in his tracks. "What is going on here?"

Lavender's eyes widened and she pushed her now long black locks out of her face. "Erm … this has nothing to do with you either!"

* * *

Dress like him and dye your hair black. Refer to yourself as 'mini-Snape'. – Check.

* * *

"No!" Seamus screamed. "There are two of them!"

"But – but –," Dean stuttered. "Which one is the real one?"

Harry rolled his eyes, pointing at Lavender. "That one, of course! He's been teaching classes for the past two days!"

"What?" Snape screamed. They ignored him.

"Then who is that?" Dean asked, motioning to Snape.

"That … er …" Lavender fumbled for an answer. "My cousin!"

"Flicky Flickerton!" Harry said, a look of dawning appearing in his eyes.

"… right."

"I've always wanted to meet you, Mr. Flickerton," gushed Harry, shaking Snape's hand. "Professor Snape speaks so highly of you."

"I'll leave you here to get acquainted," Lavender said hurriedly and rushed off towards the Head Table.

"You get back here, you – " Snape was cut off by Seamus.

"Maybe you can help us, Mr. Flickerton," he said confidentially, putting an arm around Snape's shoulders. "We've been scrounging around for ideas, but still haven't been able to find a solution to our problem."

"What problem?"

At Seamus whispered plan, Severus spun around and walked out of the Hall to lock himself back in his room.

"Wow, Snape and his cousin are very alike," Dean pondered aloud.

Harry grinned. "He's Snape-tastic!"

* * *

Call him 'Flicky Flickerton' by accident. – Check.

Tell him it's your life-long goal to de-grease him. – Check.

Tell him he's 'Snape-tastic!' 'Snape-o-riffic!' works just as well. – Check.

* * *

September 28, 1996

Dumbledore finally convinced Snape to emerge a week later, much to the disappointment of the school.

Still in a foul mood, the sullen Professor burst into his classroom, ready to begin menacing unsuspecting students.

_Splat!_

A bucket of soap water dropped onto his shocked head.

The students gasped.

"Er, need a brush over there, Professor!" Dean offered timidly.

Snape turned his menacing glare on to the Gryffindor, who gulped and shrunk back into his seat.

"It looks like a tidal wave hit this place!" Harry commented, stepping over the gathering puddle and into the classroom.

"Are you alright?" a once again brunette Lavender cooed. "You look like you could use a stiff drink." She pulled a bottle out of her robes. "Tequila?"

* * *

'Need a brush over there Professor?' – Check.

Offer him tequila. – Check.


End file.
